*Seductively hides in the woods
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
They’re stuck in your pants?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
What?!?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
i love modern commerce
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Not now. I’m deglazing.