Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.