Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Worth remembering.