as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
You Might Also Like
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above