Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
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british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.