rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
You Might Also Like
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]