I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Duolingo getting serious.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
When I said I liked it rough.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.