[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit