It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I hate when that happens.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.