So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
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When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her