*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!