[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.