I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.