Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
You Might Also Like
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Good dog. ❤️
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.