The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
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Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
#gardening
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*