“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
this was the best i’ve ever seen
No one :
Me when I swimming :
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.