BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
my professor scared me for a second
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME