My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.