For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!