I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
waiting for halloween be like:
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl