The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
new year update: losing everything but weight
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.