“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”