I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
You Might Also Like
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out