walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.