yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*mops up wine with cat*
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.