My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Being a parent isn鈥檛 just a job it鈥檚 a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that鈥檚 actively trying to kill you.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Breaking news:
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I鈥檓 in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can鈥檛 take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
馃
where did they come from?
where did they go????
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I鈥檓 totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it鈥檚 obvious crap.
I mean I鈥檓 over it but I鈥檓 definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
It鈥檚 too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It鈥檚 like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I鈥檓 depressed
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers