Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.