23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.