[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
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What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.