Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.