I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
You Might Also Like
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
🍛
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the