my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Same pineapple, same
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza