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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!