[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.