An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”