therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄