Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
when dads have a rap battle
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser