ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.