My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine