[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.