A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
This took me a second..
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.