I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
guys I’m going home
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.