Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think