‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You Might Also Like
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
🤣dope
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?