*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.