professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try