My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife