Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.