The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did