Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
no!! no!!!!!!
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music